I Will!

I woke up this morning to a mind riddled with doubt. My thoughts cascaded over one another as they try to fabricate a reason not to do what I promised to do. They are hampered only by the fog of sleep and the nagging reminder of the promise itself.

I could just pull the plug on this whole thing and blame any number of reasons. I could give up and say life became too complicated to keep going. My mind flirts with these ideas and for an ever so brief second I consider pulling the blanket back over my shoulders for just a few more minutes of sleep.

Sweet sleep, such sweet reprieve from the task I must complete. Besides, who would really care? What I’m doing is noticed by so few and most of those have already forgotten that I made this vow. So easy it would be to just surrender, to let out my last breath of defeat and let my ambition and drive slip silently below the waves of complacency and mediocrity… so easy.

The demons that I have banished from my conscious mind linger in my subconscious and they taunt me, Fear, Doubt, Envy, Hate, Weakness, Depression… all those things that have escaped the Pandora’s box of my emotions.

“Give up you fool! No one cares!”  jeers Depression.

“You’re only wasting your time!” comes the scathing ridicule of doubt.

“Face it, you don’t have it in you.” Whispers Weakness.

Hate pokes its serpentine head out of the darkness, it’s words dripping with venom, “Everyone thinks you’re a fool, you are a fool! Look at you! This world is your enemy! Fight them instead of yourself.”

Fear speaks up with timid but compelling persuasion, “What if you fail? Hate may be right! What if everyone thinks you’re a fool? If you fail, you will prove that you are! Just stop now while no one will notice.”

My heart grows heavy and I feel rivers pushing against the dams of my eyes. The emotions are so intense. So heavy. Heavier than any physical weight I carry. I set on the edge of my bead, head bowed, spirit waning. I pray silently for strength but even more silently for escape. My eyes close and a tear forces its way out. It rolls slowly down my cheek to my chin and lands on my bare leg with a faint but almost melodic splash and in that one tear I hear another voice.

“Hey,” it whispers, “What about me? Can you even hear me?”

“Who are you?” I moan, “Another voice of malice and defeat that would destroy me? Please let my mind rest. My soul is too exhausted to debate you.”

“I am… Persistence” Whispers the voice.

“But why? Why should I listen to you?” I say.

“Because,” says Persistence “I am the one voice you have not yet let free.”

“But what are you? What do you mean? Have I not honestly tried?!”

Persistence pauses, waiting for me to compose myself from the torrent that now courses down my face.

“I am known my many names, Faith, Will, Strength, Courage, I am all of these but here and now I am Persistence.

I can feel an almost tangible hand on my shoulder ever so lightly and Persistence speaks, not with words but emotion. “Come”, the voice says. Stand up. Let me show you the many faces I exhibit.

I stand to my feet and as I do I hear Doubt yelling from the dark apartment of my mind that it was supposed to have been evicted from. “You don’t stand a chance fat girl!”

I reach for the outstretched hand of Persistence to steady myself I strain my ear to hear its voice. I hear it… but it’s tone has changed. Still comforting but with a stern edge it tells me, “Yes you do, You do stand a chance. Trust me.”

With those two words “Trust Me” the voice is no longer the voice of Persistence but someone new.

“Who are you?” I ask?

“I am Will”, says the voice I am one with Persistence.

Depression hisses in unison with Hate and says “the will for what? To make a laughing stock of yourself? You can’t possibly succeeded!”

But Will pulls on my arm and with a much more forceful voice tells me “Yes. You. WILL!” and together we step out of the dark conclave of my mental prison. I hear weakness yell from the barred window of the cell I locked it in, “There is absolutely no path forward for you!”

With Will still pulling on my arm I sense another shift in its aura and I know that not only are Persistence and Will with me but now a third presence.

The new voice is strong and echoes when it calls me by name. “I am Courage, don’t even hear the voices from beyond the wall! Hear only me!”

With a swift push from behind I feel myself propelled out into the open, off the porch of my prison that I called home. I spin around to see Courage beaming at me with a huge smile. “Never look back now.” Says Courage. “This is no longer your home. You do not live in your past now. Only your future.”

I feel yet another presence but this time I feel it well up from within myself. It pulls my head skyward and my spin snaps erect! “I AM STRENGTH!!!!” Yells a new voice but the voice is familiar for it has come from my own vocal cords!

I hear a faint voice yell from the prison but what it says or who it was is no longer discernible.

I begin to run, left foot forward, right foot forward. Left, right, left, right, LEFT, RIGHT! My pulse quickens and I can hear my heart beat fall in sync with my foot falls. I hear another voice chanting “I must, I can, I will. I must, I can, I will!” the swoosh, swoosh of my blood fills me ears and becomes yet another voice. This voice is Faith and it speaks with such conviction that I can’t possibly ever fathom believing the lies of my former captors.

My mind, body, and soul are now one with the voices of my liberators. They cheer me on and when I stumble they pick me up. When I stray they guide me back. I no longer hear Fear, Doubt, Hate, Depression or Weakness. I all I hear now are Persistence, Will, Strength, Courage and Faith chanting the same mantra over and over. “Yes. You. Will!”

I run as if I’m a prisoner set free with my eyes on the finish line. The closer it comes the harder I push until at last I break through the finish line! Cheers erupt around and my heart leaps from my chest. I see my prize laid out before me and I rejoice! I made it!

In an instant the whole world goes silent. The cheering has stopped and I realize that I am the first and only one at the finish line. I look for my companions that ran this race with me but I do not see them.

I am perplexed for just a second but as my pounding heart begins to relax, I hear in its rhythm say, “Yes we did.”

Persistence, Will, Strength, Courage and Faith are part of me. They always have been. They always will be.