About “Her Again”

From as early as I can remember I knew that I was born with the wrong body but it wasn’t until I was well into adulthood that I fully understood that this could be corrected.

                As this journal grows over the coming months, I will elaborate on that journey but to kind of give you an overview of what today’s blog post was about…

                Back in 2008, after decades of body and gender identity dysphoria I finally chose to be my authentic self. I did so rather successfully for seven years until financial hardships put me in a positon that made it necessary to detransition.

                For the following six years, from 2015 till 2021 I lived in denial. I forced my gender identity disorder so far back into the closet that I even managed to convince myself that I had been “healed” of it.

                Back in June of 2016 I had a particularly jarring dream. I woke in shear panic because in this dream I was the woman I used to be and not the imposture of a man that I was portraying. That entire day I over exaggerated my masculinity but at the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted. I dove to a beach nearby and just let my mind dwell on that dream. It was there that I wrote the story “Her Again”.

                Over the next few days I was able to stuff her back into the bottle of denial and for the next 5 years I convinced myself that I had purged myself of that demon.

                In late 2020 I fell in love with an amazing woman and through that relationship I leaned that I could love someone regardless of their gender or physical attributes. I began to feel emotions that I had not allowed myself to feel in years. That was a wonderful thing but it also opened doors to the prison cells of memory that I swore were sealed shut forever.

Because I was not able to admit to myself who and what I was, I was not able to be the person she needed or wanted to be with. I was not able to be honest, with myself or her and it destroyed what I felt could have been an amazing love story.

I’ve been working on this website for a few months now and one thing that has been so strong on my heart and mind is the greatest commandment ever given by many religious figures throughout history, and that is to love. Love without preconditions or expectations. Love without expecting to receive anything in retune. Love, even though it may cost us our life.

Our very soul craves love. What good does it do us if we gain every material thing the world has to offer but die with an empty soul? 

It’s taken me nearly half a lifetime to learn that love is most important thing in this world and the next. I am still learning to not only show love, but to be love itself and to be love, I first must love my own self. A mirror covered with a dark cloth absorbs light and does nothing with it. A mirror uncovered reflects the very light it receives.