In the back of my mind I knew this day would come. I actually hopped for it. I’ve waited for it and I’ve done my best to prepare for it. I anticipated it with a strange mixture of excitement and trepidation. In the quieted halls of memory I could always hear that echo of her voice and I knew one day I would run into the one, very special, unforgettable old flame.
Today I ran into that old flame, but this was not just any old flame. This one was and still is very special to me. I told myself countless times that I would pretend that I didn’t even see her if she ever crossed my path again. I had determined in my mind that she would never again have the effect on me that she once did. “I’ll steel my heart against feelings for her and bar the door to those memories” I told myself. “What’s done is done and the past is the past for a reason” I said as I lay in bed each night, pushing her memory further and further into the halls of forbidden memory. I put her memory away with all the old, valuable but useless memories and locked them behind impenetrable doors where nothing could reach them, not even dust or cobwebs. Those memories of her, they are like seeds that cling to life even in the darkest and driest of places. With just the faintest glimmer of light or most minute hint of condensation they sprout up with enough force to move boulders and up heave the surest of foundations. Those memories… they grow roots so deep that nothing can expunge them from the desolate earth in which they sleep, waiting, ever so patiently… for “one day”.
Today was that “one day”. It’s been years, I thought I was ready. I knew I was ready. How could I not be ready? I wasn’t ready. Today I lay sleeping in the wee hours of the morning but suddenly woke with a start! I heard a voice, that voice so sweet, so gentle, so calming and satisfying. My heart leaped for a moment but instantly hit the steel barricades that I had long ago set up around it. A stark reminder of the pain it had been through. “It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream, it’s just a DREAM!” I screamed in my mind! The sound of my voice was shrill with panic as it reverberated down the halls and ricocheted off the walls of forbidden memory. The fog of sleep quickly faded as I came full awake and almost as soon as my eyes were open the poltergeist of REM sleep began to fade from my consciousness, leaving behind only a confused mind and a racing heart.
I roused myself from bed and began to prepare for the day ahead. Places to go, people to see, life to be lived. By the end of bathing and dressing for the day her memory was once again forgotten. The summer morning heat was already rising quickly and the air smelled clean. Not a cloud in the sky and no obstacles in my way. Out the door and into the car I went. The sauna like heat inside the car was extreme but exhilarating at the same time. How I love summer! I started the engine, rolled down the windows and opened the sunroof then backed out of the drive and headed off to run a few errands and have lunch with my dear sister. We had a splendid lunch with engaging conversation as usual and then I was off to help a new friend tear down an old, collapsing barn. The work was hot and grimy but enjoyable at the same time. The jokes and sweet tea flowed freely while we worked. The day flew by and before I knew it, the sun was well on its way down on the western horizon. The work was done so we said our goodbyes and I got in my car with every intention of going home. But it was such a beautiful evening and the beach was only a few minutes out of my way. A stroll through the cresting waves at sunset seemed the perfect end to the day. The beach was still full of people even though the sun was low on the horizon. I parked my car, took off my shoes and tossed them into the back seat. Not one to wear shorts very often; I rolled up my jeans and waded in to the surprisingly chilly waters edge. With the first wave swell washing over my calves I felt my breath catch and an unrealized tension immediately dissipated from my neck and shoulders. This was pure perfection, a most exquisite end to the day indeed. I strolled up and down the shoreline, breathing deep the great lake air carrying with it the sweet essence of coconut scented sun screen. There were beautiful people everywhere and I had to force my eyes not to drift or linger too long on the most attractive people. “Nice too look at,” I told myself “But I’m quite content being single.” As I strolled, a seagull swooped down in front of me and began struggling to make off with a piece of discarded pizza crust that was much too heavy for it. I smiled as I watched it, thinking about how amazing it was that God even watches over and provides for these frail animals. With my attention so diverted by the bird I failed to pay attention to the way ahead of me. A slender body collided with mine and let out a surprised but unfrighten yelp. Immediately I apologized without paying much attention to the face behind the large rimed sunglasses as I stepped aside to let her pass. As she did I caught her scent and like an avalanche cascading down a broad mountainside, a chill blasted through my entire body. “Keep walking!” I screamed inside my head, “Don’t look back! Lots wife! Remember Lot’s wife in the Bible. How she disobeyed God and looked back upon the cities of Sodom and Gomora and was instantly killed! DO NOT LOOK BACK!!” One step, two steps, three steps… panic subsiding, four steps, almost free… Five steps…
“Cameron?!?”
“God, please no…”
“Cameron! Hi!”
Deep breath… “Dear Jesus! Why? Why now? Why here? Why her? ”
I stopped and pivoted and snapped my head up in feigned surprise.
“Oh my goodness girl! What brings you back to this town? “
My mind raced! My heart slammed itself against the imposed barricades I had erected around it. It leaped and lurched, abrading itself against the razor wire atop the barricade! “Clam” I said to it, “Calm down. Don’t do this to me now. We’ve prepared for this, you know the drill. Do not cave in. You are like Mr. Spock from Star Trek. You feel nothing. She is only a memory.” The coaching session going on my mind was so loud that I barely caught her words.
“…. So after that fell through I decided to move back here and get back to my roots.”
“Wow!” I said, “sorry to hear that things didn’t work out down south but I’m glad your back!”
“Idiot! Why would you say that? You’re not happy she’s back!”
Her face lit up and she smiled that sweet smile that used to just melt me.
“It’s really great to be back and it’s so great running into you. Do you remember, this was the last place we talked before I left?”
“I remember, yeah, life has a way of moving on without us.”
Her face fell ever so slightly. “I’m really sorry, I… I didn’t mean it like that”
“Oh no no! I know, that’s not what I meant either. Sometimes things have to take a certain road for the better.”
There was a pain in her eyes that I instantly recognized. I see it just about every day in my mirror.
“Yeah, but sometimes we make stupid choices and loose the very thing we went searching for.”
Her wonderful smile returned but with a hint of regret as she told me again how great it was to run into me again. We continued to make small talk about the past and our plans for our separate futures but my mind drifted back to the day I told her goodbye for what should have been the last time, not even ten yards from where we were standing now….
She stood with her head buried in my chest as I held her, stroking her hair and fighting back my own sobs.
“I’m sorry, “she said, “You know I have to go.”
“I know, “I replied, “We’re just wrong for each other, it was never supposed to be like this. It’s just wrong for us to be together and we both know it.”
She nodded her head against my shoulder but her body was wracked with convulsions of sadness and tears. She lifted her bloodshot eyes and looked square into mine. “Will you miss me?” she asked.
“I’m going to try not to but yes, I probably will”
“Me too,” she said as she buried he face in my already tear soaked shirt. “But I’m going to forget all about you as soon as I go.”
I remember feeling my heart literally plummet to the very souls of my feet and shatter into a million pieces but I lifted my face to the sky and prayed aloud.
“God, if this is your will you need to heal the rift and replace the missing pieces of our hearts with things that are of you and not of each other. This is not how I want things to go God, but none the less I want your will in my life. Forbidden love taken in secret is sweet but the price of it is just too great. I release her to you God, and I know that greater things will come of it. In your name LORD Jesus, so be it. Amen. “
And with that she was gone as if in a puff of smoke. The years passed and life became so much better. Things just fell into place and I found happiness like I had never felt or expected to ever feel before. So when her memory would surface and try to go drudging in the murky waters of my past, I would just sail away into deeper, calmer waters. How strange it was that she found me again, not in the murky, shallow waters or in the shuttered halls of forbidden memory but rather right in the very place I told her goodbye.
My mind came back to the present and I realized we were sitting side by side at the water’s edge, not talking but sitting almost close enough to touch while watching the waves lick our feet.
“It’s getting late” she said “I should let you go.”
“Yeah,” That’s all I could say. I didn’t want her to go. I didn’t want to leave but I have a new life now and it’s just not possible for her to be a part of it. Besides, even if it were possible, no one would accept her now.
I stood to my feet then reached down and offered her my hand to pull herself up on. As her hand grasped mine a wave of memories seemed to emanate from her and course up my arm like a thousand volts. Her free hand traveled up my arm and found itself atop my left shoulder. I could not stop myself as I pulled her against me in an embrace that I was convinced I would never feel again. It was like our final goodbye all over again. I prepared myself for the tears that I knew were coming. She leaned into me for what seemed like an eternity in a moment and I breathed in the wonderful scent of her hair. The she tilted her head back and her grip on my arm tightened fiercely! I could feel her fingernails digging into my back as her voice changed to an almost menacing tone and she said…
“This time, I’m not going to let you go…”
There are some things in life that cannot be escaped.
Copyright 6-22-2016
Tow Spirit Life