I have so many things that I want to do and become. I have become more than I was and done many things that I wanted to do but my life is just about at its midpoint and I still have so much more to achieve.
I will turn 50 years of age this year and I’m feeling like I’m not where I should be in many aspects of my life. Some of those missed milestones are, I want to continue and complete my education. I want to advance my career as far as I can in the next 15 years. I want to finally marry the love of my life and settle down in our own home together. I want to resume my travels to all the US national forest. I want to improve my physical health. I want to inspire others to be the best version of themselves possible. I want to entertain people and make them smile or laugh. I want to show others like me that there is a God that loves them and has a life for them after this one is over. I want to show those who fear and hate me for what I am, that I am not a threat and the same God that created and loves me, also created and loves them.
The list goes on and on. I could fill volumes with all the things I still wish to do with the last 30 to 50 years of my life as God allows. Some of these things goals I know I can and will reach, others I may not but I do intent to try.
I think this is the way we were created to be really. We are designed to grow and flourish. Our free will drives our creativity and imagination, and this is the very essence and beauty of life itself. We are only governed by our consciousness and the laws of physics. Our conscience gives us moral direction and the laws of physics set the parameters of what is possible in the terrestrial plane. Aside from those to things, only God can stop anything else.
That first governor, conscience, that one really comes to bare on me as I age. There are things I’ve done in my youth that I regret. Regret is really not the right word for some of those things, remorse is probably a better word for them. May of them I have repented of and asked for forgiveness to those affected negatively by those actions but some I can never rectify. How do you apologize to someone who is gone? How do you ask the random person you threw an egg at while driving past them on the highway to forgive you? What about that driver you flipped off even when you may have been in the wrong?
Now that I have rid myself of the chemical factory that largely contributed to my male like aggression, these thoughts weigh on me. The list of things I wish I could undo are just as long as the things I still want to do. I wish I could apologies to all the women I ever made feel uncomfortable without even realizing it. I get it now. I wish I could undo the time I yelled at my mother when all she cared about was my safety. I wish I could erase the one-night stands with men who only wanted one thing. I wish I could go back in time and be a better parent to my children and give them the love and support they needed from a parent instead of the angry, overbearing one that I was. I wish I could forgive myself.
I can’t go back in time. That darn law of physics gets in the way of that. The only thing that does go back in time is my conscience. It goes back to all my wrongs but does nothing to correct them. It only serves to remind me of the person I used to be and keeps me from becoming that person again.
Of all the things I want to do and undo, what I want most is to just be a good person and undo the hurt that will happen in the world if good people do nothing.
For them that know to do good and do it not, to them it is a sin.