Back in February of 2020 I began to reflect on my life and of the many blessings I have been awarded. Though I do not label myself Christian, I do believe there is a higher power. For lack of a better word, I call that higher power God.
I have not always been a compassionate or even honest person but one thing that was important to me back then was love and compassion. As of late, I feel a shift in the world. There is a serious deficit of love. Love these days. It is so often confused with lust. Lust and love are not equal. If anything they are opposites. I have had the misfortune of being afflicted with lust and the blessing of experiencing and giving love.
Many people look at me as an abomination, a perversion of God’s creation. I too used to feel that I was such. I no longer do. I used to view being transgender as a curse but now I see it as a blessing.
There have been three times in my life where I felt there was no hope at all for me. On one of those occasions I was ready to end my life. Two of those three times, the kindness of a complete stranger quite literally changed my life.
The first time was just the kind word of my third grade teacher. I was having an extreme anxiety attack, sure that I was destined for hell because of the words of a hateful preacher. This teacher comforted me and encouraged me, and told me that I had value. She didn’t know why I was so upset or what I even meant when I told her through wracking sobs that I didn’t want to be “left behind”.
She didn’t need to. She understood that in that moment I needed someone, anyone to tell me that I was worth something.
The second was a police officer. I had made up my mind to end my life and got stoned and drunk with the full intention of following through. “Something”, and this is one of many reasons I believe in a higher power, told him to drive a whole city over and find me where I was. he had no clue why I was there or even why he was there but he followed his heart and showed up. He asked me if I was going to “Do something stupid” that night. He could feel that my life was in the balance. I couldn’t even form words to tell him. I just sobbed. He sat with me on the hood of my car, in the rain and in full uniform on an empty lake side and told me these words. “I don’t know what your going through or what your feeling but I need you to know that God has a purpose for you… You just need to stay alive long enough to find out what it is” His words and the words of my third grade teacher still empower me to this day.
The third person was someone that really did not know me but knew that I had no job, no car and no home. She took me in and did exactly what is spoken about the Bible.
Mathew 25:35 – When I was hungry you fed me, when I was thirsty, you gave me drink. I was a stranger and you took me in.
Because of those three people I have been able to not only survive but flourish. I strive to be a more compassionate, loving and honest person. I used to be filled with rage, lust and greed but by the grace of God and the science of testosterone blockers I am finding healing from my past and a vision for the future. I am a work in progress.
In February of 2020 I wrote the short story “Full Circle” as a direct result of my experiences.
Be the reason someone doesn’t quite on life.
-Cami