My muse. I just adore her. The stories she gives me, the comfort she wraps me in, the tears she pulls out of me… I love it all.
Tonight she is talking to me again. She’s been whispering words to me over the last few days but she’s been mostly silent. Or maybe I just didn’t want to listen. I do still have that annoying Y chromosome that makes me predisposed to not always be the best listener.
But there is a shifting in my heart, in the very essence of my soul. There is something stirring and changing and it does not affect just me. It is affecting the entire world.
There is a great void, a deficit if you will, of love in this world but there is a catalyst developing, things are moving into position and there is going to be a change in this world. It is predestined to happen by the universe or God, whichever you feel it should be attributed to.
Tonight, as she speaks to me my heart is heavy. There are a few of us who have been given a cross to bear but it is not one that weighs us down but rather lifts us up.
All my life I have wanted so desperately just to be loved but all that is changing. I still want to be loved but more than that, more than anything I want to BE love. For the first time in my life, I want to give love more than I want to receive it.
I compare this feeling to an apple tree. The tree grows and produces its fruit for all to partake of. Some of the fruit is consumed by humankind. Some is consumed by various animals and in some cases much of it falls to the ground where it decays leaving only its seed.
The seeds are carried hither and yon and find their own ground to take root and spring up. The original tree receives nothing in return, yet year after year it continues to dig deeper with its roots and produce more and more fruit.
For years I have been like barren land, refusing to let anything take root in my soil for fear that anything that grew there would only find the skeletons and evil that was buried there.
I no longer care what is buried there for now I understand that every field has both its secrets and its dreams.
I want love to be planted in my soil and I want to mother it and nourish it. I want to see it grow and I no longer care if it comes back to me. I have learned to love myself and to stop hiding from myself. This has opened up something within me that I know will become much bigger than I. I am merely the seed from which it springs.